Week 1- A Practical Solution

Who would have thought that trying to bully myself into making massive changes from day one would go badly? 

Let's try this again. 

Wins:

1. I went to the gym three times this last week, which is more than I've done in... ever.  Maybe I've gone to the gym three times cumulatively in my life. So it's a big deal. An even bigger deal- I don't mind going back. 

2. I've had some water. Certainly not more than other delicious beverages, but I'm starting not to mind it either.

3. I didn't compete. I know that sounds like a loss but part of the reason I never went back to the gym is I went too hard and immediately crumpled into a pile of tired bones the next day. So I stayed in my comfort zone, weight wise. I always tried to do 30 reps of whatever, but my goal was to finish. And half of the time, I couldn't even do that! But I did my best. I'm sore today and my knees are clicking in a concerning way, but I don't feel like I'm about to shatter.

Losses:

1. I had soda. Trying to quit it, but this week, there was a social aspect to it, and I had a mild allergic reaction that energy drinks help to keep my throat open. So next week, just say no to random foods.

2. I scheduled myself to go to the gym and didn't go.  I actually scheduled myself for a lot of things that didn't end up happening. I think I overwhelmed myself with scheduling, so this next week, I will try not to do that. It's an insane week work wise and school wise, so it might not happen, but I can least try not to overdo.

3. I didn't take my medicine.  I don't know if classifying this as a loss is fair to me, but I should at least be taking my probiotics everyday and that hasn't happened. On the other hand, I am 90% sure that my thyroid medicine is making me depressed so I will continue not to take that. Dumb idea probably, but I can go a month without it if it means I'm not curled up in a ball on the couch all day. 

Goal

Keep going to the gym. It's helped keep my head clearer, which is actually pretty damn amazing because it has never done that before. 

Oh- and just because it's a fun metric:

12/1- 228 pounds

12/7- 227 pounds

Day 1

A big part of establishing mental regularity is establishing a routine. Currently, I have no routine. For now, this may just be me posting lists of have and have-not completed items. I expect there to be some flux as I try to settle things in appropriately, but it will hopefully settle in sooner than later. Accountability is key here. Consistency is key. Here it is, that consistently boring accountability:

ROUTINE
Morning meds:
6 Minute Morning Warmups:
Breakfast: x (Thanksgiving leftovers)
Breakfast meds:
Brush teeth: x
Exercise: x (20 min elliptical at gym- 1.25 miles and 130 kcal)
Shower: x
Wash hair: x
Lunch: x (leftover spaghetti carbonara)
Lunch meds:
Dinner: x (McDonald's- ck nugs and a coke, feeling poorly)
Dinner meds:
Brush teeth again:
Bedtime meds:

POWER-UP
Water- cup 1: x (16 oz)
Water- cup 2:
Water- cup 3:
No soda:
Eat a veg: x (Brussel sprouts and broccoli)
Eat a home-cooked meal: x (thanksgiving leftovers)

GROW
Do something for your space:
Do something for your brain: x (played board game- "Parks")
Do something for your mental health: x (updated this blog)
Do something for your future:
Do something for your creative mind: x (a little bit of writing)
Do something for your body:
Do something for your beauty:
Do something just for fun: x (watched Richard Lester's "The Three Musketeers")

Intentions

Here comes the ever present, wholly unoriginal, and completely saccharine idea that speaking one's intentions makes them easier to reach.

I WOULD LIKE A BETTER LIFE.

While I realize that this idea is not unique, not new, not... anything besides the absolute norm, I am compelled to type it here. I opened this blog in March of 2013. I deleted what I had written and tried to write again in September 2014- a Michael Jordan quote accompanied by some terrible, club promoter doublespeak that I suppose was meant to hype myself (and the invisible throngs of readers) up to an ecstatic fervor at the mere idea that I would eat more salad.

But dramatic change is simply that- dramatic- an idealized idea. There is no weight to it and yet it is the heaviest thing in the world. What better way to celebrate the idea of one's own self-importance than to insist the shackles have been thrown off, that through sheer will of thought alone one has released the Übermensch within, fully-formed and beautifully lithe into the world.

The title of this blog came from an ex-boyfriend, who would poke my stomach and say "Lookin' good, Tubs". As much as he was aware, he felt it a term of endearment, but paired with the snide remarks and side-eye given to other overweight people, it seemed more justification than jest. So when I decided to create this, I used the name to joke to myself "wouldn't it be funny to see you in this fat suit run anywhere?" I was still getting to know myself at this new weight, and didn't realize that this body was who I was. That I had years of emotional and mental weight I had to come to terms with first before my body would at all cooperate. I could cut out soda, only to fall back into the habit the moment a poor word was said. I could go for a walk, but only for as long as the claws of depression let me wander nearby.

Now, I am ready to be more than a joke. It has taken years of learning what was really wrong with me, tuning out the bad influences, letting the light of those around me help lead me to a place of acceptance. I have crawled my way (7 years!) to the starting line of where I am finally ready to take action. I am still learning, still examining, still chipping away, but it is time to start doing more than pondering.  Otherwise, I would just be mentally digging my way to China.

This blog is here for me. A place that I can keep myself accountable. A place that I can look back on and hopefully see that things get better with persistence, hard work, and... I haven't figured out a third thing yet, but we'll get to it soon enough. And if all else fails, it's a record I can show my therapist when she asks what the hell I'm doing with my time and I forgot everything at home. This is going to be boring but, fingers crossed, consistently boring.

If, by some strange means, you've found yourself here, say hello. Boring, while a beautiful thing on its own, still seems like a lonely prairie.

No running yet. Let's just begin.