Intentions

Here comes the ever present, wholly unoriginal, and completely saccharine idea that speaking one's intentions makes them easier to reach.

I WOULD LIKE A BETTER LIFE.

While I realize that this idea is not unique, not new, not... anything besides the absolute norm, I am compelled to type it here. I opened this blog in March of 2013. I deleted what I had written and tried to write again in September 2014- a Michael Jordan quote accompanied by some terrible, club promoter doublespeak that I suppose was meant to hype myself (and the invisible throngs of readers) up to an ecstatic fervor at the mere idea that I would eat more salad.

But dramatic change is simply that- dramatic- an idealized idea. There is no weight to it and yet it is the heaviest thing in the world. What better way to celebrate the idea of one's own self-importance than to insist the shackles have been thrown off, that through sheer will of thought alone one has released the Übermensch within, fully-formed and beautifully lithe into the world.

The title of this blog came from an ex-boyfriend, who would poke my stomach and say "Lookin' good, Tubs". As much as he was aware, he felt it a term of endearment, but paired with the snide remarks and side-eye given to other overweight people, it seemed more justification than jest. So when I decided to create this, I used the name to joke to myself "wouldn't it be funny to see you in this fat suit run anywhere?" I was still getting to know myself at this new weight, and didn't realize that this body was who I was. That I had years of emotional and mental weight I had to come to terms with first before my body would at all cooperate. I could cut out soda, only to fall back into the habit the moment a poor word was said. I could go for a walk, but only for as long as the claws of depression let me wander nearby.

Now, I am ready to be more than a joke. It has taken years of learning what was really wrong with me, tuning out the bad influences, letting the light of those around me help lead me to a place of acceptance. I have crawled my way (7 years!) to the starting line of where I am finally ready to take action. I am still learning, still examining, still chipping away, but it is time to start doing more than pondering.  Otherwise, I would just be mentally digging my way to China.

This blog is here for me. A place that I can keep myself accountable. A place that I can look back on and hopefully see that things get better with persistence, hard work, and... I haven't figured out a third thing yet, but we'll get to it soon enough. And if all else fails, it's a record I can show my therapist when she asks what the hell I'm doing with my time and I forgot everything at home. This is going to be boring but, fingers crossed, consistently boring.

If, by some strange means, you've found yourself here, say hello. Boring, while a beautiful thing on its own, still seems like a lonely prairie.

No running yet. Let's just begin.